Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I invest so much time and energy into pleasing someone who probably wouldn’t even recognize me? Why do I subject myself to that pain of realizing that the encounter I’d considered so meaningful was nothing but a short interlude.
I always have too high expectations; thinking that the other was experiencing the same rush of excitement at the sight of me as I did of him. I’m slowly giving up hope of ever forming a close bond or relationship with anyone. I only deceive myself over and over again, desperately clinging onto the faint hope that this time it will be different.
I’m tired of crying myself to sleep, of feeling unworthy and pathetic. Of feeling foolish for falling too quickly for someone and never having my feelings reciprocated.
Once more, once more I’ve fallen into the slump. The slump of self-doubt.
I feel so stuck: I thought I’d gotten over it and knew how to handle my phases of self-consciousness. But I’m tired as well, tired of always trying to lift myself up from the gloomy hole I’ve fallen in once more. I just don’t feel like I’ve got any energy left for that.
I want to release myself from all these negative thoughts and feelings that eat me from within.
I am terribly afraid of failure. Not the kind in which you don’t have lots of money or aren’t popular. I worry that I won’t ever achieve my goals. Do what I want to do. I’m scared of life and the future. Where will I be? What will I do? Who will I be?
I’m waiting for a sign showing me that all I’m doing is not in vain. I don’t know how long I can go on like this, desperatedly searching for something that’ll make things bearable again and make me believe in myself. Urge me to go on….